All because of a birthday and a whiner. That’s what I’ll chalk this whole experience up to. Sometimes an epic adventure has an outcome that you would never anticipate. It all started one evening when I was sitting with a few of my good friends, talking about my birthday plans. You see, I had decided to do a study abroad in Germany, and as a present to myself for my dirty-30, I was going to take a week before and after the program to bop around Eastern Europe. Some of the girls expressed an interest in coming with me for a true “birthday trip,” and started calculating out how much they would need to save and how long they had to do it. In the midst of the conversation, Megan (name changed) blurted out, “so where are we going for MY birthday then? I’m turning 30 before you.”
The room fell silent. Um, selfish much?
My response to her lacked finesse, but I kept my cool and replied “You’re right. Where do you want to go? Anywhere in the world.”
Wait, I said anywhere in the world, right? We live in Salt Lake City, Utah…less than a day’s drive/2-hour flight away. Did she not hear me?
Oh, she heard me all right…but she really wanted to go to San Francisco. Although I was a little disappointed she didn’t want to visit an exotic location, she had never been to the Bay Area. I was the only one in the group that had been to San Francisco before, so everyone looked to me to take point on planning and executing the trip. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into…and I’d like to say that I wish this trip had never happened, but how else would I learn?
Here’s my story and the lessons I learned, presented to you in a series of vignettes:
Lesson #1: I need “me time” during trips
Mark Twain had it right – “I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” When you spend upwards of 20 hours a day with someone, usually within 10 feet of you, you find out real quick if your friendship will last. My friends and I drove out to San Francisco from Salt Lake City, which takes about 10.5 hours on a good day. We stayed with my grandma, drove into the city every day, ate together, went to the temple together, you name it. The only time we weren’t within hands reach of each other was in the restroom, and even that was negotiable.
As the week went on, I started to feel claustrophobic, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. Any time I had an idea of something to do, or somewhere to go, I needed to check with the group first and get a general consensus. We never went anywhere or did anything without a unanimous approval from all, which was super draining. I was becoming more and more irritated with little things that the girls did, the drivers on the road, and topics of conversation that we engaged in. Finally, I snapped.
I was driving us all towards (the former) Candlestick Park for the Broncos vs. 49ers football game, the last preseason opener that Candlestick would host. As a new Broncos fan, I was looking forward to seeing the game, but also excited to finally see Candlestick Park in person, knowing 2013 was going to be the last season it was open. If you’ve driven out to Candlestick Park, you’ll know that the parking lot is a BEAST, which is putting it lightly: there was one way in, and only one way out. To get to your parking location, you had to circle the Park numerous times, peeling off to the right or left, depending on which lot you were in. There were no signs indicating which lot was coming up, so you had to drive like a jerk and cut people off to make your turn-off in time or risk circling forever. I was tired from a long day of driving and navigating all by myself (which is another story) and had just had it with everyone. I know she was just trying to help, but birthday-girl Megan (name changed) was in the front seat and made a suggestion to how I should be driving. I reached out and cranked up the music, drowning her voice out and the girls in the back as well.
I’d had it. I was done. At that point, I realized that I needed some space and by cranking up the music, I was able to momentarily transport myself into my happy place. When I finally found a parking spot, I let everyone else get out of the car and I just had to say a quick little prayer. This wasn’t me. I’m not the type of person to fly off the handle, but I was frustrated and didn’t understand how the others never saw the escalation. We walked up to the entrance separately, and by the time I arrived at my seat, I had finally calmed down enough to apologize for my behavior and move on.
No, it wasn’t my finest moment, and it’s definitely one that I hesitated to write about. But after this experience, I started to experiment and take time alone, even an hour, on various trips to great success. Sometimes all we need is a little break, nothing personal. Well, sometimes.
Lesson #2: I’m really good at making decisions and following through
Whenever I travel, I like to have a few things planned out, especially if I’m traveling with other people. And also sometimes experiences and excursions need to be booked in advance to secure a spot. But not everything has to be planned out to the minute. In fact, I highly discourage it. It’s good to have flexibility when you travel: you never know when a fun experience might present itself. But when the time comes to actually make a decision during the course of the day, I’ve found that more often than not, people will look to others in the group to make said decisions.
Every time we left a ballgame, tour, or store, someone would invariably ask where we were going to eat. Being the driver and fairly familiar with San Francisco, I would offer my opinions…and then wait for everyone else to throw out some suggestions. But they never came. Never. The only response that was ever thrown out was “I’m good with whatever.” Until San Francisco comes up with a restaurant called “Whatever,” I guess we’ll just drive around in circles until we run out of gas.
As the week went on and after hearing “I’m good with whatever” for the ump-teenth time, I decided that enough was enough. I researched a few places next to each destination and was prepared for the inevitable where-to-eat question. Amidst a chorus of non-commitment, I became the voice of reason and decision-making. At first, becoming assertive and making the final decisions felt a little uncomfortable. I still liked these girls and didn’t want to appear bossy or selfish, but how else would we have finally pulled into a restaurant? Or discovered that new hole-in-the-wall?
Being flexible is a wonderful skill and trait to have, but knowing when to make a decision and follow through with it is just as important.
Lesson #3: I can rely on myself
We took my car to San Francisco for the trip and subsequently put over 2,500 miles on it. Yeah. Woof. In the final days of preparation, we were nailing down how we were going to split up the driving. Megan (name changed) wasn’t physically able to drive, so the rest of us decided that we would just rotate who drove, thus giving us each an opportunity to relax and help navigate. Now don’t get me wrong, I love to drive, but the thought of being the only driver never crossed my mind. When I got tired or started to have a bit of road rage, I found myself asking over and over for someone else to drive. The chorus began with “I changed my mind,” and “I’m too scared to drive.”
So not only did I arrange free accommodation with my grandmother, book all of the excursions, choose almost every place we ate at…I added principle driver to the list. Again, I love to drive. I love to drive. I…love…to…drive…but a break would have been nice, and I’m sure the stress of navigating San Francisco, Napa, and Silicon Valley with sub-par navigating back-seat-drivers contributed to the fact that I no longer speak to my trip companions. Not only did I successfully navigate us around the Bay Area, but we did so without any accidents, without getting lost, and with all of us still breathing. I can do hard things.
Lesson #4: I’m allowed to have friends that I have more in common with
If nothing else, this trip to San Francisco opened my eyes in ways that I never anticipated. Not only did I find my voice, realize what type of traveler I was, but I also discovered that I needed different types of friends in order to help me grow. Without getting up on a soapbox, let me see if I can explain that last statement a little more.
Looking back on this trip, I acted as the Chief Operating Office, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Navigator, Chief Communications Specialist, Chief Strategist, and the list goes on and on. I don’t consider myself a control freak, but it sounds like I was…and it wasn’t by design. I realized that I wanted to have friends that I could look to as equals and were proactive towards life. It’s exhausting to be the ringleader and have everyone else’s trip depend on you. As sad as it was, I often felt like I was the parent or chaperone on the trip, not so much the participant, and had to work really hard to enjoy it. Was it too much to ask for new friends that had drive and showed me the same amount of effort that I was showing them? Was it too much to ask for a travel companion who came up with ideas and took charge of something? No. I’m allowed to ask for that. Thomas Jefferson said so: I am entitled to the pursuit of happiness. I deserve to surround myself with other like-minded people, as opposed to a co-dependent group.
For months after our excursion to San Francisco, I battled within myself to sort out my feelings. Was I being too harsh on my friends? After all, we spent a lot of time together before and after. But what changed? Why did I feel the way that I did? And it wasn’t until my birthday dinner a few months after the trip that it all hit home: I changed. My outlook on life had evolved, my goals and desires had become more specific and different, and I found myself increasingly independent. My friends were exactly the same women that I knew before, and that’s okay. At my birthday dinner, I finally saw the fork in the road and that I needed to embark on a different journey than the others. And you know what? It’s the best decision I ever made. Who knew that all it would take was a birthday and a whiner?
PIN ME
